SEO is long gone. Hail, OEO.

You know that kind of uber-science that applies to making your ridiculously designed, badly developed and utterly irrelevant website climb up the gazillion of steps in Google’s stairway to search heaven? Those “white” or “black” hat wizardry that Internet marketing gurus, SEO wizards and other Gandalf-like creatures are willing to perform (for a slight charge) to boost your company into mythical success?

It’s tagged SEO, for Search Engine Optimization. And it’s dead.

Amidst of a post-web 2.0 era struck by a recession and succumbing to the ultimate power sprouting out of the social media heaven, who needs SEO? There’s no search engine in Twitter, so who cares if your website is not listed in the first search results page? All that matters is to have a few hundreds of thousands of followers. Every person, service, website or even electrical appliance is on Twitter now, so who gives a damn about search engines?

Does SEO help you gain more friends in Facebook? No! Does SEO help you gain more followers in Twitter? No! Search engines are R.I.P., done, dead, kaput and in a state of panic. So forget about all the SEO crap, jump on the social media rescue wagon before the rest of the web plummets into cyber oblivion and let your social presence make you really famous!

Where do we go now?

So it’s the end of the Web as we know it, but what now? How can the social media help you get rich and famous? This is where the new wizardry comes in place: introducing the art of Own Ego Optimization, or OEO for short, the next-gen rituals that are guaranteed to boost you into the highest heights of Twitterland and the rest of the social network universes out there.

Now, out of an untold gesture of generosity, I am about to unfold the well hidden mysteries of OEO, so you can take advantage of this new extraordinary phenomenon for your own benefit without having to spend a penny. Pay attention, and you shall achieve social greatness!

So without further ado, here’s the ultimate spellbook of OEO wizardry:

1. Orientation: If you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years and you’re not on Twitter already, do it now. This is the most important step of your road to success.
2. No-one really wants to see you or your friend’s ugly bald head popping in their Twitter client next to your tweets. Instead, use the photo of a hot girl with big cleavage. It works wonders.
3. Follow as many people as you can. Someone tweeted about politics? Follow them. Or maybe someone tweeted about sports? Follow them. If someone tweets about new techniques to clean decayed elephant teeth cavities, follow them. The rule of thumb is, if it tweets, follow it.
4. Argue with everyone. Be an a**hole. Let everybody argue with you, debate you, and hate you. Many people have become famous using this spell alone (ha, no I won’t link them here, sorry!). Just remember: there is no bad publicity!
5. Feel free to act like a web celeb, even if you still haven’t become one. This will make you look like one of those uber-cool online celebrities. Actually it’s pretty easy; all you have to do is tweet about your daily activities, i.e. “bored, going to bed” / “out with @someguy, drinking beers” / “lol, you shuldn’t twerereet when yo’re drun k” etc.
6. Get all of your friends on Twitter, then tweet about things you do in common, i.e. “out with @supercooldude and @awesomepal drinking beers and designing our next web 4.0 app“
7. Organize and host conferences, un-conferences and social media seminars. (Caution, this is a really powerful spell!)
8. It’s pretty obvious but still has to be mentioned for the goofballs: constantly tweet about social media, Twitter and OEO
9. Re-tweet every 1 out of 5 of your friend’s tweets. It makes them feel special and they get to love you more. As a rule of thumb, if a tweet is not absolutely and utterly pointless, re-tweet it.
10. Get yourself a Friendfeed account, so you have something to do when the failwhale beast appears on your screen and you spare the suicide.

These are the pretty basic rules. Stick with them, and soon you’ll be a Twitter celebrity! Yes, it’s that easy. Many people have gone this path and so can you! All you have to do is dare to try it.

(If you found this post useful, tweet / digg / stumbleUpon / blog it by any means and go follow me on Twitter!)